Friday, August 3, 2007

Going Apeshit!

Think about is a choreographed series of 22 basic individual drills happening at once. A concert of cognitive collaboration.

This game isn't that complicated. You can teach nearly anyone with the ability to learn a few simple steps "how to play" a position in football.

Now here comes the brilliance (if you know me, you are probably used to whirling winds of transcendental thought careening from me regularly).....where I combine two of the greatest elements on earth; Football & Primates.

YES! Now, I tried combining my two greatest loves in life; Football and Women (not necessarily in that order)....but the results were less than remarkable and quite frustrating (see previous posts).

Okay, back to kickass Gorilla football.....

Y'see, what you could do is.....first, easily you can teach a gorilla to pretty much do anything you want....'throw poo'.....'eat bananna'....'stomp on luggage' get the point.

So, here's what you do.
Teach a 3 point stance. Easy enough....then the punch

Now you just train him to step left, or right, react to pressure, etc
.......all the game really is, is pattern-recognition.

Bit by bit, it is like teaching a dog to fetch or roll-over, only instead of a dog, you are using a 5'9" 400lbs ominvore that could tear your limbs off.

Just teach basic movements and have them all attacking the ball BETWEEN THE WHISTLE. Dude, that would be AWESOME!

Even better, you wouldn't need expensive equipment, no eligibility requirements, no problems with agents,endorsement deal conflicts, or off-field legal troubles..... just line them up and play.

now when the game advances, sure, you could invest in some fancy equipment like these spiffy shoulder pads this guy is wearing

but, really you have nothing to lose when they get injured.

At first, yeah, the game is going to be primative, archaic, maybe a little you have to put it on training wheels starting out. The quarterback position would be the trickiest. I propose that you take a full two years or so to develop your simian signal caller...just develop your line and defense.

In the meantime, we would use human, lets say Rex Grossman

who would be afforded a beastly offensive line and receivers who have FOUR hands to catch with.
Now naturally, the gorilla linebackers will be trained to rip the quarterback's arms off and then beat him with it.....but hey, that's entertainment, baby!

I say, GET CRACKIN', because basketball has already started the ball rolling and have trained a gorilla to be their mascot

The game would never end....there would never be threats of hold-outs or strikes.
What's that?
You want to restructure your contract?
You are a high round draft pick?'s a freaking bananna

Don't like it?
I hear Brookfield has an opening for ya.

So whattaya think?

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